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05/29/2008: "Life now!!!"

I'm right now, at the computer center at Portland State University.... I've been deep in the midst of self-enquiry, over a year since my last entry on the same subject. A few days ago, I sobbed in despair mainly because I had been so unsuccessful still, in the realms of romance... 29 and haven't had a girlfriend. I also in the last year was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. But I've noticed, as I practice self-inquiry that I see the dream nature of life more and more and am less attached to what happens, or thinking I need something supposedly "external" to be happy. In short, progress is being made. And you can read the previous entries to see the difference in the way I write. Today, I have to study for an Organic Chemistry quiz, and prepare a presentation next week on the p-53 protein which is the guardian of the genome. I'm looking at it's structure.

In the last year, I quit Eskabo Daan, I had made it to the rank of guru, but I didn't want to get hit on the head with sticks. I'm still attached to being alive and functional, but who knows that might drop off into complete surrender, letting what happens happens. It's been a difficult life. Difficult because I've been in resistance to it. Practiced in having a difficult life, because I observe others living a different life, and was resisting that I am different from them, as a body, as an organism and thats just the way it is. I wanted to be functional in the ways that I observed others being functional. But those difficulties have driven me to the deepest of Inquiry, Self-Inquiry. The kind taught by Sri Ramana Maharshi, who I've become more and more deeply reverent of. Anyway, thanks for reading.