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03/28/2007: "sex positive me!"

I think I am actually for the first time in my life becoming sex positive. Embracing my sexuality. This is the first time in my life where i have had the psychic strength, and it takes an enormous amount of psychic strength. People who have naturally embraced their sexuality and just faced a hostile world, probably cannot relate to me. There were so many layers of self-denial at work in me that this has been quite a task. But layer upon layer is folding away. I am molting. Now I've never fucked, never woke up after a night of being lovers, never had these experiences, and if all of you already self-realized people can listen for a second, I can honestly say that there is insight in my experiences. And perhaps, like a flower in bloom you will hear of positions and creativity you have never dreamed. Because the effort of realization that has brought me to this point has taxed me immensely. But after many necessary experiences, after drownings in despair so potent, no epiphany is given easily. But I feel on the verge of many epiphanies, seriously, and perhaps they will be heard. This is perhaps the dawning of a renaissance in my life, an embrace of my existance without the layers upon layers of fear that once stifled it. And look as I might I found only pieces of wisdom from different sources. Coming from all sources including Christianity like pieces of DNA that found their way into the bacterium that is me through bacterial sex, memetic sharing. I took those pieces of DNA and composed my own gene. Another thing, all this talk of embracing my sexuality for the first time may sound silly coming from a male raised person. The funny thing is this embrace is so personal, so internal, giving myself permission to desire, and to pursue those desires. To honestly express them. And oddly enough it's tied to an embrace of both life and death, of every experience, of the exact present as the molecules flow around me, and through me, the action potentials causing my actin and myosin fingers to contract on this keyboard. And what kind of butterfly will emerge from this pupa, I still do not know, and it will be interesting to observe this, and allow these things to happen. I believe Rumi said something to the effect of "love is not something you make happen, but a process of discovering how you are not letting it happen". That is what I am discovering. It is not a matter of getting from A to B, but of being a vehicle of love.