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09/12/2005: "The darkest period of my life"

I have just emerged from the darkest period of my life. Things still look dark in alot of ways but not that dark. Everything I took to be real ceased being real. Thats the best I can put it into words. Everything I was struggling for and against, ceased to matter, ceased to be an objective. Even matter ceased seeming so solid. It was like dying while being alive. It was definitely touching on spiritual enlightenment. But I also had no clue what to do, and so I coped with it the best that I could.
And I don't think I handled it that badly, even though I handled it terribly.

I still regret alot of things. The fact that I swamped a few people with mad, rambling e-mails, or didn't respect their emotional boundaries. I regret that people might have felt uncomfortable with me, and the fact that I couldn't find solid ground beneath myself. Honestly, I still can't find solid ground beneath myself, but I now take responsibility for my reality in a way that I didn't. Whats mine is mine, and what is yours is yours. And some madness is completely mine. RIght now, I'm leaving this relic of my consciousness for you to read like ruins. One day I will be dead, but words spoken by me may still be alive. Words themselves are very much alive. So even though I may very much regret things I said or did. Thinking about how uncouthe, and insane, and cowardly I may have seemed, you don't find where the solid ground is without moving.

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Kenyan opposition leaders say they will continue to hold rallies demanding new elections, despite a government ban.

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Abraam said @ 11/30/2005 02:02 AM CST

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