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07/02/2005: "The Born in Flames Conference"

Recently I went to the Born in flames conference. Actually I think it was last week. I only went to a few workshops. It was interesting, and necessary.

Of course it's such a big thing to deal with collectively. Sexual assault, and abuse. It is very, very complicated. Where do you even begin to deal with such things? I do think it is great that there are so many such abusers that are being called out, and exposed. That this is something that so many people don't want. Growing up in St. Louis, remembering back to my childhood. There was no recourse for sexual assault, or any abusive behavior for anybody, or so it seemed to me. (especially in the local punk scene and it's activist counter-part) I did not have friends that I felt good around, that i felt I could be myself, that it was safe. I was around alot of not-safe people who did not make me feel good inside. And as someone biologically male, especially as an adult. I don't have many of the same worries that many of my biologically female friends have. Not that sexual assault is only from men, or only toward women. Because it is not. (women rape women, men rape men, and sometimes women rape men) Personally I have never been raped. I have had my physical boundaries violated by people bigger then me, but not in an overtly sexual manner. But it did make me super, super conscious of boundaries, and wanting people to be safe around me. Even though my psyche is very turmultous, and fucked up. Very few women that I know have not been sexually assaulted. And some men that I know have been sexually assaulted. I don't know what terms to use, because I also don't really believe in the gender binary. And personally don't identify as male. But I look male, I have been treated as if I am male. So in that sense I receive the benefits of male privilage.
I guess my reason for not identifying as male, is looking far into the future, or maybe the past, I'm not sure which to something more creative and fluid. I mean in alot of ways everything becomes cliche. Transgendered thinking of the likes of Kate bornstein and Leslie Feinberg, and the subculture that is now blooming, becomes cliche to me. Infact trans is often taken as becoming the opposite. In my case I more just want to escape it if possible, become some non-gendered, trans-species variation. That is why intitially i wanted to be she (all the time). Now I like zie. I just want something more neutral. Being male is boring.