06/30/2005: "Communiqué: Urgent message for the ELF from the ALF"

At the “Rebel Alliance” headquarters, Joe and Alicia are enthralled
in a deep conversation.

The kind where all assumptions get thrown
out the window, like so much meaningless debris, and all the people
involved get to the root of the matter, the issues that define the
very crux of their existences. They are in the middle of cooking one
of the best stir-fries ever to have had the first world privilege of
being fried in a frying pan.

“The Revolution should be happening any minute”, says Joe. “Pass the
salt, would you dear?”
“The Revolution should be happening any minute”, says Alicia. “Pass
the curry powder, would you dear?”
“If Bush wins this election, there will be riots all over the
country”, says Joe. “Where’s the Tempeh?”
“If Bush wins the election, there will be riots all over the
country”, says Alicia. “Where’s the Tahini?”

“And then we can live out our desires, truly and fully”, says Joe.
“And then we can live out our desires, truly and fully”, says Alicia.
“I’m glad we agree”, says Joe.
“I’m glad we agree”, says Alicia.
There is a long pause; neither is sure what to say. Joe finally
thinks of something so deep and profound, something that never had
been brought to light since the birth of the wheel. His face
brightens in a visionary kind of way. An incandescent light bulb
appears above his head as if he has heard the voice of god. The
light bulb is burning brightly. Finally he says, his words like so
much poetry “So…. You wouldn’t happen to be going to Critical mass
this evening would you? By chance”
“Funny you mention that, because indeed I am going to Critical Mass
this evening by chance”, replies Alicia.
There is another long pause. Finally Joe says, “Do you think we’ll
beat the cops this evening?”
“Of course we will beat the cops this evening, because the good guys
always win. I mean we’re destined to win and the revolution should
be happening shortly”, replies Alicia.

“The revolution should be happening shortly, I agree. The masses
can’t be wrong. We’re destined to defeat our capitalist oppressors
any day now” They both glance at the clock in silent expectation.
“Especially since you are trained in martial arts”, says Alicia dutifully.
After flexing his muscles Joe says, “Especially since I’m trained in
martial arts, I’m destined to take out a few cops at the next demo.
Pacifism is Pathology, you know? I read that in a very good book, in
fact it was the title of a book that I highly recommend. You should
read it sometime. You should also read What Uncle Sam Really Wants
by Noam Chomsky. Noam Chomsky is a genius.”

“You are so well read, Joe. I could never be that well read”, says Alicia.
“I am so well read, and you just might be able to be that well read
too. You should come to our anarchist discussion group, woman. We
read anarchist books and then we discuss them”, says Joe.
“See, here’s a flier”
“That would be magical Joe,” says Alicia.
“Do you think after Critical Mass, we could go out and spray paint
radical anarchist slogans all over Portland?”, asks Joe respectfully.

“That would be great. In fact, I thought of a new radical anarchist
slogan today in Marine Biology 101, do you want to hear it?”
“I would be delighted. No, I would be more then delighted. I would be
thrilled”, replies Joe.
“OK, get ready. It’s really good”
“I don’t know if I can take it any longer. Tell me”
“OK, here it is”. Alicia says it slow and drawn out to emphasize
its grandeur. “BUSH IS A MURDERER”, she says.
There is silence. Finally Alicia self-consciously asks, “well did
you like it?”
“I’m speechless. I can’t even fathom your brilliance. Your genius
is too great for mortal ears such as mine. Indeed Bush is a
murderer, and I had never quite thought of it that way before”
“Not only is Bush a murderer”, replies Alicia emphasizing Bush, “he’s
a fascist”
“No, he’s a Nazi”, replies Joe, “just like Hitler, only worse”.

The stir-fry is finished. They call in all their comrades to
commence eating, for this isn’t just any day, it is Huey Newton’s
birthday and everyone must be well fed. In fact, there is a stunning
portrait of him on the wall right above the water filter and next to
the portrait of Che Guavara. Which just happens to be, next to the
portrait of Noam Chomsky. And that poster just happens to be next to
the Crimethinc poster that says “Resistance is Fertile”, and shows an
indigenous women somewhere in the world carrying a baby.

A few seconds later, BGH (Bovine Growth Harmone), Dan, Overcast, and
Josh saunter into the room heartily. Overcast sits on the counter
right above the drawer, which Alicia is trying to open so that she
can put silverware on the table. Overcast exclaims heroically, as
Alicia struggles to move him aside “We just came from the male
privilege group, and we just wanted to say to you, Alicia that we
100% support your struggle”. There is a long pause.
“What are you talking about?” asks Alicia confused.
“Your struggle against the patriarchy, and men such as ourselves,
ruthlessly brainwashed into being predatory males without the
slightest awareness of boundaries or ethics”

Everyone except Alicia and Overcast nod frantically in agreement. There is another longer
and more awkward pause, when suddenly Alicia exclaims excitedly.
“Well I just wanted you to know that I100% support you in your
struggle to 100% support me in my struggle. You guys are doing such
good work, and I want to encourage you to continue your work in this
direction”
“Whew!” says BGH. “This feminist stuff is exhausting. And I feel
attacked. Let’s go watch the Simpsons and unwind. That show is truly
revolutionary”

Epilogue: Ah Gender! What an issue! Featured on Prairie Homo Companion

There was a gathering of so much importance that it was messianic in
scope. Every year in Southern Missouri along the Black River,
flowing slowly and muddily through its hilly valley. Women gathered
for the Ozarks Women’s Music Festival at Johnson Shut-ins. Hundreds
of thousands of women gathered to see bands of a wide variety, many
of which were punk or riot girl. It was fun. It was not only fun it
was pleasurable. It was an enjoyable experience. People moshed
around. People hooked up with each other either for the duration of
the festival or sometimes for something more long-term.
Bands and solo artists such as Tribe 10, Lingerie Murder, Team Dread,
Diamond Glasses and Pipsqueak Car came to the festival to rev things
up. Tribe 10 at one time had been a controversial performance, but
now even they were an established part of the festivities.

There was only one problem, but it was a most serious problem at that, a
controversy that threatened the very fabric of the gathering.
Everyone seemed to have strong convictions on the matter, and even
best friends were sometimes seen arguing passionately on the way to
the different activities awaiting them.
The Ozarks Women's Music Festival only allows entrance to womyn born
womyn, and most importantly no alternatively identified species are
allowed. An animal such as a squirrel, a robin, or a spider must
identify as what they were born as. The same goes for plants. A
shrub cannot identify as a bush. A bush cannot identify as a tree or
the other way around. Violets cannot be roses. And roses cannot be
daffodils.

Both of these are strict policy, and they are both
enforced most seriously.
So in response, many transwomen and transmen arrived to protest,
along with a crew of various cats that identify as dogs, humans that
identify as Cambrian era sand worms, and catfish that identify as
sardines.

On top of that one might encounter, deciduous that
identify as coniferous, algae that identify as one-celled animals and
elephants that identify as hippos.

Most of the animals' and plants still preferred to be addressed with the pronoun “it” and others only
by name. Of course, for the most part the non-human animals tended
to stay in the background, in the woods, in the Black River or only
occasionally flying over to perch on some distant vertiginously high
branch. In other words, they weren’t really a visible presence.
Most of the transwomen and transmen didn’t and weren’t able to show
solidarity with their brethren because they weren’t informed and so
therefore couldn’t be good allies. What they started together became
a tradition. Camp Gender Rebels and Species Freaks. It was such a
hit that it has become a separate institution altogether, a large,
well-attended and quite chaotic party. In fact most of the trannies,
animals and plants, mind you, can’t afford to go to the Ozarks
Women’s Music Festival anyway.

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